Yesterday I got that call, the one from school, the one that makes your pulse woosh in your ears. DD had used her forehead as a braking system, unfortunately she chose a large, heavy bookcase to assist with that. She’d been unable to cry for a full minute as the pain was so immense, as the teacher watched the cartoon like egg bulge from her head, minus the blue birds. I needed to go and get her, then take her to get checked over.
The dog had also not had a good day. He’d done a lot of whimpering and retching but not really producing anything. We’d been trying to see if something actually came up whilst also ushering him off the soft furnishings in case it did.
On Sunday I’d had to call my mum. The only person I knew who would be able to help with the screaming agony of my haemorrhoids. It’s not the done thing to mention them in polite society, but I thought I was going to go blind with the pain. And whilst I have the ability to go from zero to overly dramatic in less than sixty seconds, I do think I have an okay pain threshold. I won’t go in details, but the pain did lessen, and so DD and the dog and I spent the afternoon lounging in bed, recovering.
Essentially, I could feel my seams unravelling. That distinguishable ping of fabric and muscle as my physical state, and that of those around me muddying my mental state. Letting in the grief too much after being wearied from pain and unable to keep pushing forward and through. And with it a lack of control and fear.
Today, in the car to the train station, bound for the South Coast for work, I fell to my knees whilst sat in my seatbelt. Big heavy tears brimmed at my eyes. Throughout the early hours of the morning my usual busy tummy, all kicks and jabs and rolls had felt to still. Too fluttery. I just couldn’t go, I couldn’t leave. Not if something was going to go wrong with this baby too. By leaving I was going to lose something. DD, the dog, the baby, even Wolf despite nothing being obviously wrong with him. I was mainly going to lose my mind.
We turned around, I phoned the hospital, deposited everyone back at home and headed straight to the labour unit. Calm enough to make the necessary phone calls whilst feeling like every nerve fizzled. Taken into a room, a pink strap, a blue strap, lie back.
Badoom. Badoom. Badoom. Like a cool wave over me, the strong and steady waves of the heartbeat. The kicks and swipes at the monitors pressed against my stretched, taught belly. Left alone with a button to press for every movement, I barely stopped pressing it, the bout of hiccups made for a particularly frantic picture: the horizontal lines on the CTG trace practically on top of each other.
I fell again. I let go. Let the tears fall quietly, slowly turning the pillow and hair behind my ears sodden. I told the cold blue walls that I missed RD. That without him I was so, so scared. I knew what I’d lost, him.
It’s been two years since I’d last fallen this way, in the freezer aisle in Sainsbury’s, when the smacking of the door in the back of my head whilst trying to wrangle some fish fingers from the furthest space in the freezer had me walk zombie like back to the car. Suddenly, whilst sat behind the wheel, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t drive. For everything was going to go wrong. Given the amount we’ve dealt with in those two years, I think the innings are okay.
Afterwards, slightly Bambi legged and confused by what happened, and having apologised to all and sundry for my invisible grazed knees, I feel exhausted but free. A little dizzy, but glad the door has opened and spilled. Because then I can shove it all back in a bit and carry on, and I may just have found a bit of what I lost when I was there.