5 times I thought I was going to be a Mother.
That’s 10 pink lines.
Or probably over 20, because who doesn’t need to check again?
And countless single lines forgotten like spent matches.
3 live births. For the curious, that was 1 emergency caesarean and 2 VBACs. For the uninitiated that V stands for *whispers* Vagina.
2 children I have only ever parented at one time. A boy and a girl.
Unless you count the couple of weeks I held my dying eldest child in my arms as his baby brother was miraculously forming.
Sorry for the morosity but that’s how it was.
1 time I was presented my ever so tiny daughter that had only completed half her journey in my womb. She was brought to my drugged up body and arms in a bread basket, wrapped in a blanket the size of a dishcloth.
1 time I knew I was flushing my genderless foetus out to sea.
7 years of having a son with full care needs, although with every development milestone BD ticks off I know this will soon change. I’ll have my arms and my body back to myself again. No more cradling and lifting the full weight of a child. I crave this freedom and yet I will no doubt grieve this new loss.
Whilst all this marks a slightly unique passage through early motherhood, I am I assume, like so many others. Individual and yet not.
I feel maternal guilt, constantly. I crave my own space and yet never want to be away from my children. I shout more than I want, lose patience when I know I could do better and somehow wonder how I ever got this job.
Something that definitely garners attention is our bodies pre and post natally. Whether we ‘snap back’ or are still blaming it on baby weight three years later. Media attention on celebrities buttoning themselves back into skin tight jeans 30 seconds after leaving the hospital with babe in arms. I’m looking at you, Kylie Jenner.
Well, here’s me. 1 week after giving birth. I documented it not out of pride but because I knew what that weight loss represented. It told the story of anxiety. Of a pregnancy where I truly believed the outcome was another loss. Not slightly worried. Not able to rationalise with myself beyond a few minutes at a time. The thought that this baby would also die was bigger than me.
I would go to clinics and they would tell me there was a little concern of my lack of weight gain in spite of a huge bump.
“Are you looking after yourself?”
Physically, yes. I ate because I wanted this baby to thrive.
Mentally, not really.
“You know, if you’re still struggling once baby is here, you should consider speaking to your GP”
So then I wanted to show people I WAS NOW OKAY. Who knows whether I was or wasn’t. I was just bouncing from day to day, maintaining that eyeliner just so.
Nervous energy meant I didn’t sit down for long. Piles also didn’t help.
Flitting round the house, walking everywhere. Check on the baby, keep the house tidy, make sure DD was okay. Let’s go here! And there! Let’s be grateful the baby is alive and not miss a second. Just in case.
That weight loss isn’t a goal. I didn’t feel good. I felt weak and yet frenzied. I was short and impatient. So irritable and hormonal.
So as we hold others up as comparison, perhaps in person or their images foisted upon us on social media, we should think deeper. Be kinder to our own bodies and others.
Just recently I’ve started running again. I’ve tried and stopped in the 10 months since BD arrived. It hasn’t felt right. My head was too fuzzy, my limbs felt like overcooked spaghetti. And let’s not mention my pelvic floor.
Yet now, it suddenly feels right. I feel the electricity of power in my legs again. The peace in the sounds of the air, the time to pound, pound, pound through my thoughts with the occasional stop to shout for Eric.
I don’t really care what physical space I fill right now. I feel my core growing, my resolve returning, and my uninterrupted time to be with RD in my thoughts back.